here's looking at you, kid
by libraryghosts
Summary: "Who was the best you ever had? Before me, of course." Beckett and Castle talk about Royce.


"Who was the best you ever had? Before me, of course."

She rolls her eyes exaggeratedly but doesn't try to hide her smile.

"What, are you going to deny it? We make a pretty damn good team in the bedroom too."

"I never said I was denying it."

"Good," he says, planting a slow kiss on her forehead. "So, before me, who was the best?"

"Why does it matter?" she asks. She knows, though, knows that it's just Castle. He needs to know everything.

"It doesn't. You're my muse, and my girlfriend. I want to know you."

She looks down, spends a few seconds pretending to consider.

"Royce."

"Called it!"

"Shut up."

"You just seemed different around him. Like he was different from other guys you've dated." He says, more serious now.

"We didn't date. It wasn't mutual, the thing we had. I was in love with him and he knew it, but we both knew he didn't love me back."

"But you had sex?"

"Yeah, but just once," she continues, avoiding his eyes. "I was having a really hard time with my mom's case one night and he came over. He knew I needed him and… it just happened."

"And it was good?"

"Yeah. I guess it was kind of the emotional component that made it what it was. He was there with me and so present and in tune with what I needed, emotionally and physically."

"Will you tell me about it?" he asks quietly.

"Like, specifics?"

"If you're comfortable."

"Why? This isn't some weird caveman thing is it?"

"No. It's just…interesting. You're interesting."

"Okay."

"So, he came over," he says, propping up on an elbow and leaning in to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"He came over and… I was upset because of something I thought I found about my mom's case, which eventually turned out to be bullshit, but he was holding me and we just started kissing."

She pauses, thinking, and he brushes his thumb lightly over her cheek.

"Then what?"

"I think he felt guilty so… he picked me up, carried me to bed. He went down on me and it was…incredible. The way he touched me. I had never experienced anything like that before."

He hums into her ear and pulls her closer into his chest.

"And then we had sex and…I don't know…he was so reverent. And it was everything I needed. He was so different from the guys I slept with in college, Castle. It felt real. And meaningful. At least for me."

"Because you loved him."

"Yeah," she muses. "And I know he didn't love me like I loved him but I know cared a lot about me, just in a more platonic way."

He nods, waiting for her continue when she's ready.

"And he was the first guy to help me explore my submissive side. Other guys always just let me take over but Royce showed me how good it could be to give up control. He held me down and it was amazing because he knew how much of a control freak I was, even in bed, and he showed me how much better it could be if I let go."

Castle smiles into her hair, lightly strokes up and down her back.

"You like it when I hold you down?"

"You know I do," she murmurs into the crook of his neck.

He smiles, placing a soft kiss on her temple.

"So, after you had sex, what happened?"

"He kissed me on the forehead and left. I knew that it was a one-time thing but I guess part of me was still hoping that he'd fall in love with me. We talked the next day and he told me it couldn't happen again. I wasn't even mad at him. I was just heartbroken. Then a couple months later I got promoted and sometime after that he quit the force."

Castle runs his fingers through her curls, twirling and combing.

"Do you ever regret it? Sleeping with him, I mean."

"I did for a while after. I thought it made it harder to get over him, but now I don't think so. I think it maybe even made it easier."

He shifts slightly, taking her hand in his and lacing their fingers together.

"Now I wouldn't trade that night for anything," she continues. "He made me realize how good sex could actually be; loving and reverent and intimate. I spent the next eight years looking for that and I didn't feel it again until our first time."

He brings their joined hands to his lips, feathers kisses on the tips of her fingers.

"You have no idea how much that means to me, Beckett."

"Yes I do."

She pulls him under her chin this time, kissing the crown of his head and letting her fingers wander through his hair. He kisses down her chest briefly before settling his head down on the pillow, still enjoying the comfort of her embrace.

"You know that letter that Royce wrote me?"

"Yeah."

"He told me I should go after you, that we'd be good together."

He lifts his head.

"You never told me that!" he says, face colored with surprise and a hint of joy.

"Of course I never told you. We didn't get together until like a year later."

"Still! I would've liked to know I had his stamp of approval."

"Right, because you care so deeply about the approval of my friends and family."

He laughs a little into her chest.

"Not the point."

"Go to sleep, Castle," she yawns, her fingers back in his hair. He sighs contentedly and snuggles further into her chest.

She closes her eyes and a few minutes pass. She's almost drifted fully into unconsciousness when she hears his gravelly, sleep-filled voice.

"He would be proud of you, you know. And not just because of us. For everything."

She just breathes, lets his words fall into the hollow places of her heart, the parts that still miss him sometimes.

(She knows.)


End file.
